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Saturday, June 09, 2012

 
   
 
کی فکرشو میکرد یه روزی من با دیدن هر دختر بچه زیر ۳ سال توی خیابون اشک بیاد توی چشمم. کی فکرشو میکرد خوندن در مورد بچه دار شدن دیگران چنان توی گردباد حسرت بیچونه منو که نتونم نفس بکشم. منی که تا ۸-۹ ماه پیش با نگاه از بالا به پایین به هر کی بچه دار میشد نگاه میکردم و ایمان راسخ داشتم که بچه به این دنیا آوردن خودخواهانه ترین کار یه انسانه. خدا خوب بنده ها و دنیاشونو میچرخونه. خیلی خوب غصه رو غصه هاشون میگذاره . نمیدونم دعا کردن کار آدمهای نا امیده یا آدمهایی امیدوار. نمیدونم چطوری و به چه زبونی به خدا بگم خسته ام. اونکه اینقدر گریه و بدبختی دیده که چشم و دلش پره و این بدبختیهای کوچیک من به چشمش بدبختی نمیاد و احتمالا کفران نعمت هم هست.
   
  بارون بهاري 8:31 PM يادداشت(0)
 
 

Friday, June 01, 2012

 
   
 
In every passing moment I am trying to be strong and sane. When it comes to you, I have bad days and horrible days. Through the bad days my brain tries to trick my heart by telling it that the worst part has past and all will be better by time; Then comes the horrible days and both my brain and heart surrender to the huge crushing waves of sadness and deep depression with all that it brings to offer. The non stop tears, weeping , self pity and endless ifs and whys. Time shall heal everything or so they say; yet it didn’t do a damn thing for me in last few months. Every night I close my eyes hoping next morning will be better and in morning I open my eyes and first thing rushes to my brain is you. Now, I am counting the days when I can add distance to “ time” and experiment the outcome. Maybe, couple of continents and an ocean save me from hearing or seeing sad parts of unwanted and forced reality. This giant crystal ball of reality which explodes and with each explosion,every pieces of its shattered glasses goes right in to my eyes, heart and soul to make me bleed. Not enough to kill me but enough to keep me alive for next explosion in next day, next week or month. To discover, yet another reality about you and my consensual hallucination. There are times that I wondering if cutting out ones guts while that person is in full conscious feeling like what I feel. In bad days I pray for healing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I pray for strength and clarity. I know forgetting is not an option so I pray for moving forward. My excellent memory is my curse not blessing. In horrible days, I pray for merciful death. My brain realizes that writing this message is wrong. Tells me that as soon as I press send button I will not feel better but worse. My brain alerting me with red flags and lights. I do realize that my pain will not magically go away after this message but I'm just using my what the hell card. despratly hoping if I find out "why" maybe I have my clouser to move on

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  بارون بهاري 12:10 PM يادداشت(0)