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Friday, June 01, 2012

In every passing moment I am trying to be strong and sane. When it comes to you, I have bad days and horrible days. Through the bad days my brain tries to trick my heart by telling it that the worst part has past and all will be better by time; Then comes the horrible days and both my brain and heart surrender to the huge crushing waves of sadness and deep depression with all that it brings to offer. The non stop tears, weeping , self pity and endless ifs and whys. Time shall heal everything or so they say; yet it didn’t do a damn thing for me in last few months. Every night I close my eyes hoping next morning will be better and in morning I open my eyes and first thing rushes to my brain is you. Now, I am counting the days when I can add distance to “ time” and experiment the outcome. Maybe, couple of continents and an ocean save me from hearing or seeing sad parts of unwanted and forced reality. This giant crystal ball of reality which explodes and with each explosion,every pieces of its shattered glasses goes right in to my eyes, heart and soul to make me bleed. Not enough to kill me but enough to keep me alive for next explosion in next day, next week or month. To discover, yet another reality about you and my consensual hallucination. There are times that I wondering if cutting out ones guts while that person is in full conscious feeling like what I feel. In bad days I pray for healing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I pray for strength and clarity. I know forgetting is not an option so I pray for moving forward. My excellent memory is my curse not blessing. In horrible days, I pray for merciful death. My brain realizes that writing this message is wrong. Tells me that as soon as I press send button I will not feel better but worse. My brain alerting me with red flags and lights. I do realize that my pain will not magically go away after this message but I'm just using my what the hell card. despratly hoping if I find out "why" maybe I have my clouser to move on


  بارون بهاري 12:10 PM يادداشت(0)